Letters
by F5Chaos
Summary: A/U of Informed through Infiltrated.  What would happen if Olivia found a way to keep in touch with Elliot while she was in Oregon?
1. Defiance

Letters

A Law and Order SVU fanfic by Jaime

A/N- I'm relatively new to the SVU universe, so if some things aren't exactly how they are in canon, I apologize. I've started many fics, both in my head and my computer, but this is the first one I ever got the nerve to publish. The idea hit me last night, and I literally spent the next 9 hours banging this out. Its mostly finished, maybe two or three chapters yet to be written, so let me know if you think I should continue. This is a semi-song fic, but I didn't make sure that the songs lined up with the SVU time line, I used what I thought would fit.

Disclaimer- Don't own the show, don't own the characters, don't own the songs

Olivia Benson sat and stared miserably around her government appointed apartment in the middle of Oregon. She couldn't believe how fast things had moved after she got "arrested" back in New York. One minute, she thought she was going to be able to go home, and the next she's being told "Congrats! You're in! You get to jump bail and get on a plane to the other side of the country! By the way, you can't tell anyone you care about what's going on!" Vacation it was not.

Sure, it was actually quite a beautiful place, but Olivia Benson is a city girl, not a nature girl. Then again, that was the heart of the matter, isn't it? Olivia Benson may not be a nature girl, but Persephone James is. Persephone James is a crusader all things green and non human, while Olivia Benson is a crusader for all things human. It's a constant struggle to keep all the contradictions straight in her head, because one minor screw up, and it could cost her her life. And she wasn't about to give up her life for these FBI assholes who took her away from everyone she knows and cares about, without even giving her an option. Without letting her say goodbye to anyone… without letting her say goodbye to Elliot.

God, Elliot. This was going to crush him, as much as it was crushing her. But at least she knew why, he was left without any answers, not knowing where she was and if she was OK. He was still in the middle of a messy divorce with Kathy, and there were days where she was the only one who could pull him away from the edge, the edge of what, she wasn't sure, but she knew she didn't want to find out. And she wasn't there for him. He's got to be so pissed, she thought. She couldn't blame him though, she knew if he did the same thing to her, she would be threatening severe bodily harm as soon as she laid eyes on him again.

They were finally doing better, too. After Gitano, and her brief stint in computer crimes, he was so angry at her. Olivia knew what happened, things got intense with them, both at the train station, and the warehouse, and she got scared, and she ran. Things were changing between them, and as much as people liked to say that 'change is good', change scared the hell out of Olivia Benson. When she finally got the nerve to return to SVU, to Elliot, there was this wall between them that had never existed before. It broke her heart, but she knew it was what she deserved. She swore then, that she would do whatever it took to get his trust back, and to destroy that wall, even if she had to blow the damn thing up herself.

It worked though, no C4 required. Slowly but surely, they were chipping away at that stone. They were open with each other again, and she had her best friend back. Lately it felt like they were back to that almost suspended animation they were stuck in before Gitano, but this time she didn't want to fight it. After hearing about him nearly getting blown up, she knew, she couldn't do it anymore. As she was sitting in the back of the police van, she knew that as soon as she got those damn cuffs off, she was going to his side, and never leaving. Then Dana fucking Lewis walks in and throws her ass on a plane to Oregon. Olivia loves stories of star crossed lovers and all that nonsense, but this, she realized, was borderline ridiculous.

She wasn't going to lose him, not again. As much as she wasn't willing to give up her life for these FBI assholes, neither was she willing to give up her life with Elliot for these FBI assholes. She couldn't call him, she couldn't e mail him, and she couldn't put her real name on any form of communication, but she could write to him… an actual letter like people used to write to each other to stay in touch. No return address, no signature, no personal information, but he'd know it was her, and what she was trying to say. Because it was them, and they knew each other, he'd know her handwriting, hell, they could both forge each other's signatures. Her handler would kill her, she knew, but he was kind of a jackass. She didn't get a choice in this assignment, so they don't get a choice in how she deals with it. If it gets her thrown off the case, oh well… that would get her back to New York faster anyway. So she grabbed a piece of paper, and started the most vague letter she has ever written in her life.


	2. Chasing Cars

A/N- I repeat from chapter 1, I'm relatively new to the SVU Universe, so please forgive any plot/timeline errors

Disclaimer: Don't own the show, don't own the characters, don't own the songs

_Chapter 2_

Elliot trudged into his apartment after yet another grueling day at work. It wasn't necessarily the cases that made it grueling, it was the lack of his partner that made the days endless. It had been nine days since Olivia Benson disappeared off the face of the Earth, and out of his life, and every day seemed longer than the last. True, he had another partner, but Dani Beck was no Olivia Benson. Sure, she was nice enough, but she just didn't know how to handle the victims. That's what they were to her, they were victims. To Olivia, they were people, people she had the misfortune to meet on the worst day of their lives, but people nonetheless. She knew that they needed to be treated with sympathy and respect, that all they wanted was to maintain their dignity. Dani's inept fumbling around them was far from what they needed. She was improving, but Elliot was glad that her assignment was a temporary one.

It _was_ temporary, Elliot insisted to himself. Olivia would come back from wherever she was, as soon as she could. There were no words to describe the sheer terror that went through him when he heard those damning words, "we're sorry, the number you have dialed has been disconnected…". She was gone, again. Only this time, he couldn't even call her, he couldn't just call to hear her voice, just to make sure she was OK at the end of the day.

First came the anger. Of course anger came first, he was Elliot Stabler after all, anger was what he did best. How dare she run again? Didn't she realize how badly she hurt him the first time? Apparently not, since she just did it again. He was tired of her pulling his strings like this. First she was his best friend, slowly inching towards something more. The instant he challenged her, made one tiny push towards finally admitting what the hell was going on between the two of them, she bolted. When she came back, he was cautiously optimistic, yet held her at arms length. He wanted to trust her again, like he had before, but she had to prove to him that she was willing to work for it. She had, and while things still weren't the same as they used to be, they were close. And now she was gone again, and he felt like they were back to square one.

Two days later, rationality began to seep in. She wouldn't do this, she knew they wouldn't recover if she ran again. So why? Why ruin everything that they worked so hard to find again. She wouldn't, he realized. She wouldn't skip town, cancel her phone, and not tell him what was going on, not voluntarily. She wasn't kidnapped, because the Captain wasn't panicking, and no perp would go through the hassle of getting a victims cell phone disconnected. He stopped by her apartment after work one day, using the key she gave him in case of emergency, figuring that her disappearing into thin air was enough of an emergency to warrant its use. Nothing was out of place, no hastily thrown together clothes, no sense of "what to take, what to leave behind" like one gets when packing in a hurry. So she wasn't running from something, and she wasn't taken, so what was left?

The next day it hit him, Dana Lewis. The last time he had seen Olivia, she had been preparing to infiltrate an eco terrorist group with the obnoxious FBI agent. It was only supposed to be a brief undercover stint. Get in, get the guy, and get out. Obviously something went wrong, and in order to preserve her cover, she had to get out of town, and fast. That worried him. The two chances he had to work with Dana Lewis, she had gotten him shot and blown up. What the hell kind of condition was his partner going to come back in?

The rest of his days were spent worrying. She was obviously undercover with a potentially dangerous terrorist group, and she was alone. There was no one there to watch her back. HE wasn't there to watch her back. For the last nine years, they had been Benson and Stabler, where one was, the other was right behind. When one was hurt, the other was hurting. This was who they were. Now she was Benson, or whatever the hell her name was, and he was part of Stabler and Beck. The combination didn't sit right in his head. Who was out there to watch her back? Who was checking in with her at the end of the day to make sure she was OK, that she wasn't trapped in the mental abyss that could sometimes overwhelm her when she got too involved in a case. She needed him to keep her grounded, like he needed her to do the same. Would the same Olivia Benson who left him, be the same one who came back to him?

While he was agonizing over these things for the millionth time in his head, he absently flipped through his mail. Bill, bill, crap, credit card offer, bill, and… one with no return address? He looked at his address, noticing that it was handwritten. More importantly, whose handwriting it was. _Olivia!_ He would know that writing anywhere, could recognize it among hundreds of others. The only other person whose handwriting he would know better was his own. Hands shaking, he gently tore open the letter, unwilling to chance destroying anything the precious envelope contained Opening up the paper folded within, his eyes gazed on the one link that he had that she was OK, taking in their meaning:

_El-_

_We'll do it all, everything, on our own  
>We don't need anything or anyone<em>

_I don't quite know how to say how I feel  
>Those three words are said too much<br>They're not enough_

_Let's waste time  
>Chasing cars<br>Around our heads  
>I need your grace<br>to remind me  
>to find my own<em>

_If I lay here  
>If I just lay here<br>Would you lie with me  
>And just forget the world<em>

_Forget what we're told  
>Before we get too old<br>Show me a garden that's bursting into life_

_All that I am  
>All that I ever was<br>Is here in your perfect eyes  
>They're all I can see<em>

_I don't know where  
>Confused about how as well<br>I just know that these things  
>Will never change for us at all<em>

_I'll come back, I promise. Will you still be there, when I do?_

There was no signature, but she knew there was no need for one. Brows furrowed in concentration, he tried to gauge the meaning behind her words. Pausing briefly to re-inspect the envelope, he took notice of the postage marking. It was processed somewhere in Oregon. What was she doing in Oregon? Realizing that he wasn't getting anymore answers from the envelope itself, he returned to the letter, hoping to find what he was looking for there. The words seemed familiar, though he couldn't place from where. They were beautiful though. The first bit, he understood, and he realized his assumptions were correct, she was undercover and she was alone. That thought made his heart clench, because she clearly didn't enjoy working by herself.

As he read the next verse, the tears that had been gathering in his eyes finally spilled over. Those three lines, God, they were everything he has been feeling for a while now. Was she really telling him what he'd almost giving up hope of ever hearing her say? The next two verses, of what is obviously a song (which song, he didn't know, but he damn well was going to find out, because it was his new favorite song), pretty much told him that she was thinking of him, missing him, and holding onto him as much as possible. It was liberating to realize that she was feeling the exact same thing, at the same moment that he was. Looking to the next part, he felt tears in his eyes, she was telling him she wanted him there. The part about laying with him, he didn't want to interpret too literally, but he hoped like hell that that was what she was implying. The thought of holding her in his arms, trying to drive the horrors of the world from her mind, even just for a little bit, was something he had dreamed of many times. The thought that she wanted the same, was amazing.

Smiling through his tears, he considered the last line, obviously the only personal touch that she could afford to put in a letter. _I'll come back, I promise. Will you still be there, when I do?_ The woman was crazy if she thought he would be anywhere other than waiting with open arms for her when she returned. Not after that beautiful letter that she sent, reaching out to him, possibly at her own risk, reassuring that she was alright and thinking of him. He felt that last spark of rage and resentment flicker out, replaced by the warmth her words spread through him.

He went to bed that night, smiling for the first time in nine days. Yes, he thought, he would be here whenever she got back, and if he had any say in the matter, he would make those words come true. He wanted nothing more than to sleep with her in his arms forever, and if that was truly what she wanted, there was no force on Earth that would stop him.

* * *

><p>There's chapter 2! Drop a review and let me know how I'm doing :)<p>

Song for this chapter: Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol


	3. Amazing

Disclaimer: Don't own the show, don't own the characters, don't own the songs

_Chapter 3_

It had been ten days since he got Olivia's letter, and the worry was slowly starting to creep in again. He knew that he couldn't reasonably expect her to be able to send him constant updates as to how she was doing, but he couldn't help it. The day after he received the first letter, his co workers immediately noticed a change in him. For the first few days, he endured constant verbal jabs from Fin and Munch, trying to pry some clue loose as to the cause of his good mood. At first, it appeared they attributed his good mood to his improving relationship with Dani. That theory was blown to hell when he exploded on her after she made some snide comment about not being like "Saint Olivia". His words had drawn bewildered stares from around the bullpen, and a stern scolding from Captain Cragen. After that, Dani could barely look him in the eyes, and made certain to never mention Olivia again in front of him, but he never apologized. He didn't think he needed to, not where defending Olivia is concerned.

Two days ago, Fin and Munch had finally had enough of getting no answers out of him, and cornered him directly:

_-flashback—_

Elliot had noticed Munch and Fin's eyes on him all afternoon, it seemed like they were waiting for something, though he didn't know what that was. He figured it out when they jumped up when Dani left her desk (and he scoffed at that, because it wasn't Dani's desk, it was Olivia's desk), and announced that she was running out for coffee. They cautiously approached him, not sure how he would take their intrusion. Elliot wasn't known to share much with his coworkers who weren't named Olivia. When Fin asked to talk to him, the thing that made up his mind was the fact that he knew they cared about Olivia too, and they had a right to know that she was alright. If the situation was reversed and Fin was gone, he would want to know, as well. He calmly looked over his shoulder, noticing the Captains concentration on a phone call, and silently beckoned them upstairs and into the cribs.

He cautiously appraised them, and extended an olive branch. "Listen, what I'm about to tell you, you can't repeat. Not to anyone."

They looked at one another, and it was Munch who finally asked, "By anyone, you mean…?" Purposely leaving the question open ended.

"No one." Elliot insisted, "Not the Captain, not Dani, not Casey, no one."

Their eyes slowly widened in realization, there were very few people on the planet that Elliot Stabler would be that protective of, and as far as they knew, his kids were fine, so that left only one other option. It was Fin who spoke for the both of them, "If this is about Olivia, you have our word. Whatever you say, stays between the three of us."

Elliot hadn't expected anything less, and he reached into the breast pocket of his dress shirt, where he kept her letter. "I heard from Olivia." Seeing their eyes widen, he continued. "That's why you can't say anything. She could get in serious trouble if anyone finds out what she did." Seeing their nods of agreement, he held up the envelope, so they could see the writing, and he could tell they recognized it by the wide smiles on their faces.

He was pleased to see that they took as much reassurance by those few scrawled lines as he did, and knew he made the right decision to confide in them. "I'm not going to show you the letter, its personal." He saw their smiles turn to knowing smirks at that, and continued on, unashamed. "It's not even a letter, really. It's the lyrics to a song. If I'm interpreting it correctly, she's undercover, alone. From the envelope, I can tell she's in Oregon. The only thing she told me is that she will be back, though she couldn't say when."

They both looked suitably concerned when they realized their suspicions about her being undercover were correct. It wasn't that they didn't trust her to look after herself, but they above all, know what horrors lurk in the shadows of the world, and if she was by herself, who knows what could happen. But the reassurance that she would eventually return to them, was comforting at least. After a significant glance betwe between the three of them, reaffirming the need for secrecy, Elliot promised to let them know if he heard from her again.

_-end flashback—_

He was relieved that he could put some of his friends concerns to rest, and now he wished he could provide further reassurance. As he locked up his apartment for the night, he tore through the stack of mail like a man starved, the same way he had done so for the last ten days. This time, he was rewarded with another plain envelope with no return address, stamped with an Oregon postmark. Smiling, feeling that little coil of worry in his stomach unclench, he opened the letter, and clung to the words held within.

_El-_

_I kept the right ones out  
>And let the wrong ones in<br>Had an angel of mercy  
>To see me through all my sins<br>There were times in my life  
>When I was goin' insane<em>

_Tryin' to walk through the pain  
>And when I lost my grip<br>And I hit the floor  
>Yeah, I tought I could leave<br>But couldn't get out the door  
>I was so sick n' tired<br>Of livin' a lie  
>I was wishing that I would die<em>

_That one last shot's a permanent vacation  
>And a how high can you fly with broken wings<br>Life's a journey - not a destination  
>And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings<em>

_You have to learn to crawl  
>Before you learn to walk<br>But I just couldn't listen  
>To all that righteous talk<br>I was out on the street  
>Just tryin' to survive<br>Scratchin' to stay alive_

_It's amazing  
>With the blink of an eye<br>You finally see the light  
>Oh it's amazing<br>When the moment arrives  
>You know you'll be alright<br>Yeah it's amazing  
>And I'm saying a prayer<br>To the desperate hearts tonight_

_My journey will bring me back to you. I hope you understand why I did what I did. You are my angel of mercy, and I'm ready to let you in._

Tears were running down his face by the time he finished the letter. God, was she being serious? Of course he understood what happened. How could she doubt him like that? But then, he realized, how could she not? She was all alone on the other side of the country, with no way for him to reassure her. He knew what she was feeling through these letters, and she was just flying blind. Taking a leap of faith that she prayed he was going to be at the end of to catch her. He vowed, there and then, do to everything in his power to reassure her of that fact when she got back. If that involved never letting her out of his sight again, he was more than happy to make that sacrifice.

As he laid in bed that night, smiling over thoughts of her again, he was grateful for one other thing. He actually knew what song it was, so this time he didn't have to spend all day on the computer trying to figure out what song she sent him.

* * *

><p>And there's chapter 3, if you like it, drop me a line and let me know :)<p>

Song for this chapter: Amazing by Aerosmith


	4. Still Frame

_Chapter 4_

Two and a half weeks. Two and a half fucking weeks since her last letter. Objectively, he knew she could take care of herself, but she had been gone for more than a month now. How much longer was this nonsense going to last? Either they're eco terrorists, or they're not. After a month with them, it should be obvious. Even Fin and Munch were starting to get anxious. Their relief after hearing that he had heard from her again had lasted a little longer than his did, but now as soon as he walked into the bullpen every morning their eyes met his asking the silent question that he regretted the answer to.

It didn't help that it appeared that Dani was getting more comfortable in the unit. On one hand, that was a good thing, he wasn't constantly stressing over what she was doing when he wasn't with her. On the other hand, it seemed like she was forgetting that her assignment was only a temporary assignment. She was making herself more and more at home by the day, including trying to get closer to him. It wasn't that he didn't like the woman, she was more than capable at her job, and she wasn't an arrogant prick like Blaine was, but she wasn't Olivia. And as much as it annoyed him, it was rude of him to point that out to her, especially when she hadn't really done anything to deserve it.

He carried Olivia's letters with him wherever he went, in his pocket. They were the closest link he had to her, and he felt that by letting them out of his sights, he was letting her go all over again. He knew it was irrational, but he could imagine Huang trying to explain in his soothing shrink voice that "you can't help what your heart wants," or some other such tripe. Ultimately, they were from Olivia, and that was all that needed to be said on the matter.

Though she hadn't come out and said it in either of her letters, it seemed like she was finally starting to accept this thing between them, and it was that hope that he clung to when he clung to those letters. He couldn't say for sure when he had fallen in love with her, but he knew he had, utterly and completely. When she had first run to computer crimes, he had thought that was it for them. She was rejecting him and his feelings. He had given too much away during the Gitano case, and he was being shut down for good. When she had turned up in the locker room, after he punched Blaine, at first he thought he got hit on the head harder than he thought, because he was surely hallucinating. When she shyly complimented his, now destroyed, shirt, he realized that she wasn't out of his life completely. By starting the conversation out on a personal note the way she had, he realized that all was not as lost as he once feared.

Now that he was finally getting confirmation from her that yes, she is finally willing to take a risk with him, the days are agonizingly long waiting for her return. Sifting through his mail again, he finds salvation in the form of another letter from her, and he opens it without missing a beat.

_El-_

_Please help me cause I'm breaking down  
>This picture's frozen, and I can't it get out<br>Please help me cause I'm breaking down  
>This picture's frozen, and I can't get it out of here<br>Release me, I'm just as lost as you  
>Believe me, I'm just as lost as you<em>

_And every time I think I've finally made it  
>I learn I'm farther away than I have ever been before<br>I see the clock and its ticking away  
>And the hourglass empty<br>What the fuck do I have to say_

_Keep it inside, the image portrayed  
>As if I couldn't stand losing, as if I couldn't be saved, no way<br>A small confession, I think I'm starting to lose it  
>I think I'm drifting away from the people I really need<em>

_I'm afraid I'm falling farther away  
>I'm falling farther away<br>I'm falling farther from where I wanna be_

_If there is an image inside of me, I don't know what it is anymore. All the contradictions are blending together, and I don't know where one ends and the other begins. Will you recognize me when I get back? The thought of going back is all the keeps me going most days. I need you to be there when I do._

Elliot must have read the letter through at least five times. Then he suddenly stood and hurled his glass of water across the room. Damn it! He knew she's been under for too long! He realized that she's starting to lose herself in her cover. It was something that he was starting to fear more and more the longer this operation lasted. It wasn't that he doubted her, Olivia was the strongest woman he's ever met. However, the one insecurity she had about herself was her identity. She always worried what having a drunk for a mother and a rapist for a father would make her. Whenever these doubts emerged, he was always there to reassure her that regardless of her DNA, she was the kindest person he knew. Now, she was on her own, with no one to confide in, and therefore no one to reassure her of what a beautiful soul she was.

That night, unlike the other two nights in which he received letters, sleep did not come easily. He tossed and turned until the early morning hours, wishing there was some way, any way of trying to contact her. He resolved to show the letter to Munch and Fin tomorrow. He didn't think they would be able to suggest anything to help, but at least he wouldn't shoulder this burden by himself.

The next morning, he met Munch and Fins hopeful looks as soon as he walked in, as was the norm these days. Unlike most days, he actually had an answer for them, though it was an answer he knew they wouldn't like. He met both of their gazes and answered with a small nod, and their smiles soon faded when they noticed the bags under his eyes and his somber face.

It wasn't until several hours later when they had a chance to talk amongst themselves without being overheard. Dani had to give a report on their latest collar to Cragen, so that killed two birds with one stone, as those debriefs usually lasted about fifteen minutes. They quietly made their way upstairs again, and Elliot didn't know what to say to his two friends. So he silently reached into his pocket for the letter, and presented it to them for their own viewing, for the first time. He watched in silence as they read it, seeing their faces grow more and more concerned with each line they read. He didn't have to read over their shoulders to know when they reached her own addition to the note. He could see it in the way their shoulders tensed, and knew that he wasn't alone in his concern. They were just as worried as he was.

It was Munch who was able to form words first. "Is that what all her letters are like?"

Elliot shook his head, "that's the way they're all formatted. First the words to a song, and then she adds on a little personal note at the end. The songs have never been like that though, they're more positive. And that's the longest note she's written. Usually it's a couple short sentences."

"She's getting lost out there, isn't she?" This time it was Fin who voiced her concern.

"I think so," Elliot answered nervously. "I don't think she's handling the isolation well. I think we finally got through to her that she's not alone anymore, and as soon as we did that, it got taken away."

"So does that make us the assholes, or the Feds?" Fin asks.

Without missing a beat, Munch replies "The Feds, duh."

Elliot chuckles for a bit at this, but then sobers. "What do we do?"

"What can we do?" Munch questions. "We can't get in contact with her, we can't just call her up and ask how she's feeling today"

They sit and stare at each other for a while, until Elliot voices the conclusion he reached in the early morning hours that morning. "We wait," he sighed. "We wait for the next letter. If it sounds the same, or it sounds worse, we take it to Huang. I don't care if it gets her into trouble, if it could possibly save her life, it's worth it."

The other two members of their little group solemnly agreed, and Elliot resigned himself to several more days of hopeful glances and the subsequent disappointment.

* * *

><p>Well, there's chapter 4! Thank you so much to all the reviewers! You seriously have no idea how much they mean to me... this is the first story I've gotten the nerve to publish, and knowing that you guys like it gives me the courage to keep going. So keep em coming!<p>

It looks like this is going to be about 8 chapters, give or take, so we're halfway there!

I've gotten some requests to put the song names and artists with the chapters, which I should have been doing in the first place, lol. I'm going back and editing the other chapters, because as you can see, I'm starting to get the hang of formatting these things, so I'll put the song info in while I'm at it :) This chapters song was Still Frame by Trapt... bit darker than the other ones, but everyone allowed to get pissed off every once in a while


	5. Possession

Disclaimer: Don't own the show, don't own the characters, don't own the songs

_Chapter 5_

The woman was a sadist, he finally decided two weeks later. She enjoyed tormenting him in a way no one else had. Every day that he didn't hear from her after her worrisome last letter, was a day of torture for him. She had to know that her last letter scared the shit out of him, didn't she? How can you send someone something like that and not immediately follow up with a "sorry to worry you, but I'm OK" letter? He was scared shitless about her, and he knew he wasn't alone. Every day he showed up to work with no news for Munch and Fin, they got more and more worried as well. The temptation to go to Huang, despite their agreement, was getting stronger by the day.

It didn't help that they needed her back now, and not just for their peace of mind. Unless they can get Olivia on the stand to testify within two more days, a rapist will walk free. The entire unit was slowly going mad over the inability to contact Olivia, and the fact that the three of them knew that Olivia had been in contact with Elliot was wearing on their consciences. Dani was starting to get, well, bitchy, about the entire ordeal as well, claiming that if Olivia cared about the victims as much as everyone said she did, then she would be there. The fact that she was working undercover for the FBI seemed to be lost on her, apparently. Elliot figured it had something to do with him spurning her numerous advances. Oh well, he figured, it wasn't his fault that his heart was somewhere in Oregon, working to get back to him.

Speaking of Oregon, the entire unit had been briefly distracted by a news report out of there. Apparently an FBI bust (he mentally cursed them, as he does now when those three damn letters are strung together) uncovered a girl that had been held captive for years by a pedophile, who she subsequently killed. He found himself scanning the crowd of officers surrounding the pompous agent, knowing that if there was such a blatant sex crime out there, Olivia Benson would be drawn to it. Sadly, there was not a recognizable face in the crowd.

Locking the door behind him, he eagerly looked through the stack of letters that he found waiting for him. His eyes widened, and he dropped everything but the simple white envelope he now stared at almost reverently. He didn't even get the envelope open before he once again felt the tears gathering in his eyes. He had to blink a few times before he could read the precious words before him.

_El-_

_Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide  
>voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time<br>the night is my companion, and solitude my guide  
>would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?<em>

_Through this world I've stumbled  
>so many times betrayed<br>trying to find an honest word to find  
>the truth enslaved<br>oh you speak to me in riddles  
>and you speak to me in rhymes<br>my body aches to breathe your breath  
>your words keep me alive<em>

_Into this night I wander  
>it's morning that I dread<br>another day of knowing of  
>the path I fear to tread<br>oh into the sea of waking dreams  
>I follow without pride<br>Cause nothing stands between us here  
>and I won't be denied<em>

_And I would be the one  
>to hold you down<br>kiss you so hard  
>I'll take your breath away<br>and after, I'd wipe away the tears  
>just close your eyes...<em>

_I'm sorry if I scared you before._

_I mean every word, I hope you feel the same. We'll find out soon, I'm coming home._

He couldn't breathe. Elliot Stabler forgot how to breathe. He knew that if he could remember how to breathe, he could better comprehend the words on the paper in front of him. His lack of breathing wasn't affecting his body's reaction to what he read. He didn't think it was possible to react this intensely and as fast as he did to simply reading a letter. But as usual, Olivia Benson has to go and prove him wrong again. There was certainly no misinterpreting the meaning behind those words. Olivia just laid it all on the line and told him she wanted him, and damn if he didn't want her more right now than he's ever wanted a woman in his life. She better get back here quickly, or he was liable to go insane, and there wasn't a soul on the planet that would blame him. He'd only need one piece of evidence, and it would be that letter, and any and all wrong doings he did in his madness would be completely excused.

It was these thoughts that brought his focus to the end of the letter, her personal addition, and he had to force himself to re-read it several times. She realized how scared he was by the content of her last letter, which means it was more venting than a call for help, which put his mind at ease once and for all. Then he read the three words he's been waiting for since this whole damn ordeal began. She's coming home. When? How long does it take for a letter to reach New York from Oregon? He didn't know. How has he never stopped to consider this during the last few weeks? Could she be in the City now? Will she call when she lands? Will she have to spend hours in debrief? Does she know about the trial? All these thoughts and more raced through his head so fast he had to get up and pour a large helping of scotch, the only thing that would calm his raging thoughts. He knew he wasn't going to sleep tonight, but he wasn't going to have ten thousand thoughts flying through his head like a tornado. The scotch would slow them down to a more tolerable speed.

The next morning, Munch and Fin took one look at the dark circles that once again resided below his eyes, and automatically assumed the worst. He could tell by the way they both jumped out of their desks simultaneously, and raced over to him, not caring who saw. He could see Cragen and Dani staring at them curiously, and it was Munch who threw the half assed excuse of needing his opinion on something over his shoulder. He was pretty sure they didn't believe a damn word he said, but that didn't matter to him. Finding out if Olivia was OK was first and foremost on his mind.

They had barely gotten the doors closed to the observation room of Interrogation 1, when they both turned on him demanding answers. The smile that spread across his face, was answer enough, but they still wanted specifics.

"I got another letter," he said unnecessarily. "She apologized if she scared me with the last one. No, you're not reading it. And get this, she said she's coming home."

As usual, Munch recovered himself first, "She's coming home? Seriously? When?"

Fin broke in before Elliot could answer, "You sure she's OK man? Was there anything that was like the last one?"

Elliot tried to be as reassuring as he could, "Yeah, she said specifically, I'm coming home, but she didn't say when. For all I know, she's on a plane right now. All I know is, she wouldn't lie about coming back, so we'll know more soon."

They all smiled and quietly reveled in the fact that the missing member of their family would soon be back. As they turned to leave, Elliot turned to his two friends and very solemnly spoke, "Guys, really, thank you so much for helping me with this. Without you guys, I think I would have gone crazy dealing with this all alone. Knowing that you two were there to talk to about this, it helped keep me sane through all this. Especially after that last letter, I might have just lost it if I had to deal with that by myself."

No words needed to be said between the three long time friends. The pats on the back Elliot received from the other two men was all the reassurance that he needed, as well as their thanks for keeping them informed, when it was obviously a private matter between him and Olivia. The knowledge that she was out there and talking to one of them had kept them from losing their minds with worry over the woman they had all come to love in different ways.

As they were leaving the room, Elliot received a text message from Casey that simply said: "Get your ass to the court room. Now!" He froze in place because he instinctively knew, she was there. Olivia was home. When Munch and Fin turned to see what was wrong, he spoke up, "She's at the court house!"

Their cries of disbelief barely registered with his brain, he was so focused on getting out of there. He did have the presence of mind to offer his friends an explanation. "Casey just texted me, telling me to get my ass to the court house immediately. My testimony is done, and we've got one more day for Liv to get here before we're screwed. The only thing that's left is that Liv is in that court house. I hate to do this, but I gotta get out of here, do you think you can handle the questions that I'm sure are gonna follow me?"

When both friends reassured him that they'd be more than happy to take the heat for him, as long as he brought her back with him, Elliot turned and sprinted out of the station house, ignoring the questions his partner and his captain were screaming at his back, knowing that Munch and Fin had it covered.

* * *

><p>And so we have Chapter 5! And, as requested (though it was already planned), the triumphant return of Olivia Benson! Though she hasn't shown her face yet, though that's next chapter. And next chapter is a doozy! Reviews do a body good, since my fingers seem to move faster after reading them ;)<p>

Song for this chapter is Possession by Sarah McLachlan


	6. Fearless

Disclaimer: Don't own the show, don't own the characters, don't own the songs

_Chapter 6_

Elliot didn't think that he'd ever made it from the station house to the court house as fast as he did that day. To be honest, he didn't remember driving over there at all. All he knew is that as soon as he pulled up in front of the court house and threw his car in park, and was sprinting up the steps so fast there was no force of nature that could have stopped him. As he neared the court room the trial was taking place in, he finally slowed down, pondering the ramifications of walking into that room. After two months of separation, he was finally going to be face to face with Olivia again. Liv, the woman he is finally able to admit to himself he is in love with. The woman who, through the poetry of song, had confessed, if not her love, then her desire for him. The idea, frankly, left him weak in the knees.

Bracing himself, he slowly opened the doors. Before he even got into the room, the soothing sound of her voice washed over him. She really was here. The thought brought tears to his eyes once again (God, how many times has she made him cry over the last few months?), and he pushed further into the room so that he could finally lay his eyes on her. When he did, he nearly fell into the nearest chair, because his legs had long since given up on supporting him. He saw her eyes widen when she saw him, and her speech noticeably paused. It took her a few seconds for her to compose herself, but she managed to, and continued with her testimony while he took the time to look her over. His hands clenched the arms of his chair in rage when he took in the butterfly bandages over a cut at her hairline, and the lurid yellow and purple bruises surrounding it. Someone had hurt her. Someone had allowed her to get hurt. It took a few moments for Elliot to get himself under control, and resume his perusal of her.

Her hair was longer. And lighter. Even under the drab, fluorescent lights of the court house, she glowed. The bangs were new as well. Olivia Benson was always a beautiful woman to him, but in this moment, he has never seen anyone as captivating as she was. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and while he never knew that he could be fonder of Olivia, there she was, once again, shattering all of his preconceptions. He had a choice between focusing on her eyes or her wound, and decided to reassure her and lock eyes with her. He knew that she had poured her heart out to him in her letters, and he needed to reassure her that she wasn't hanging out on that ledge all on her own, that he was right there with her. Her eyes remained with his through the rest of her testimony, though she never faltered again like she did initially. When the judge finally dismissed her from the stand, it felt like their eyes had said all that needed to be said. She was sorry, and he forgives her.

She made her way to Casey, who once again thanked her and expressed her gratitude for returning, but her eyes never left him. Casey turns, and upon seeing him, realizes the silent communication she is interfering in, and excuses herself. Elliot doesn't think he's ever seen Olivia Benson shy, but sure enough, there she is, shyly walking towards him. He can see all the unanswered questions in her eyes, and all he wants to do is reassure her, but it can't happen here. He needs to get her out of here, somewhere where they can talk and not be disturbed. When she finally stood in front of him, afraid to meet his eyes, he reached out and took her hand in his, gently stroking his thumb along her knuckles. He saw her close her eyes, and felt the shudder run through her and into his hand. Gently, he asked, "I'm not implying anything here, but will you come with me back to my place? I think we are long overdue for several conversations, and we need to sort this out between ourselves now, before anyone else gets the chance to interfere. We can go to your place, if you prefer."

Her eyes brighten somewhat, as if she is almost afraid to hope, and she nods, "Your place is fine. I imagine you actually have food, and hopefully beer."

In response, he laughs and tucks a piece of her newly acquired bangs behind her ear, "Yeah, I have both." They both gently smile at one another and walk out of the court room, still joined at the hand and smiling softly.

The ride to his apartment is quiet, and much calmer than his last ride in the car. It's a silent mutual decision that they need to be able to hash this out, face to face, in order to have any sort of acceptable solution. When they arrive, he solemnly slides his keys into the lock and lets them in, aware of the oppressive air that falls over them, and this is the last thing that he wants. This thing, their feelings, it's starting to feel like a burden they need to deal with, and it hurts that it feels that way. As soon as the door is closed and locked behind him, he grabs her wrist, stopping her from moving to the couch, and asks the two questions that have been buzzing against his brain since he read her letter last night. "That third letter, that song… you're OK, right? And your last letter, the Sarah McLachlan letter, did you mean it?"

He can tell that she's fighting the smile that's growing, but she lets it loose anyway. "You found the songs from the letters I sent?" He can hear a trace of honest bewilderment in her voice.

"Of course I did," he sighs. "Especially after the third one. Liv, I know you needed to vent, but you scared the hell out of me with that one."

She silently nods and acknowledges him, "I know, I didn't mean to worry you. I just… when I wrote you those letters, those were the songs that made the most sense to me at the moment. I was so angry when I wrote that. I was so tired of being someone that I wasn't, and I just needed to know that someone out there was listening to my anger, and cared."

"Oh I cared alright," he chuckled. "You nearly drove me out of my mind with worry over that letter. That was actually the first letter I let Fin and Munch read." He saw her eyes rise to his in panic, and sought to reassure her. "I told them about the letters only so they would know you were alright. They worried too. Then, when I got the third letter, Liv, I panicked. The thought that you were alone, and hurting, tore me apart. I will never regret telling them about the letters for that reason alone, no matter how mad you are at me. They helped keep me sane through everything."

He saw her give a brief smile and a nod, acknowledging her approval of telling Munch and Fin about the letters, while not breaking her confidence. He then bravely moved forward, "And as far as your last letter… God, Liv, I couldn't breathe after I read it." He saw her tense in response, and quickly tried to reassure her, "You have no idea how much that song affected me. Liv, I can't hide it anymore. I love you, so much. I want you and need you so mu-"

His sentence was cut off when she covered his lips with hers, and he was in heaven. Nothing should feel as good as Olivia's lips against his. The kiss started out tentative at first, but slowly grew passionate. This was nine years of unrequited tension melting away, and Elliot was surprised that his furniture was left unaffected. Tentatively, he parted her lips with his tongue, seeking acceptance. When she welcomed him whole heartedly, he lost control. The kiss turned from sweet and exploring to passionate and demanding in an instant. He thrust his tongue into her mouth and kissed her with all the pent up love and desire he had in him. After a few minutes, he pulled away. He had to make himself clear.

He grabbed her face in both of his hands and looked deep within her eyes. "I love you, Liv. I don't know for how long, all I know is that the moment I heard that your phone was disconnected all I could think of was that you were gone, and I never told you that I love you."

She looked back into his eyes as deeply as he was looking into her, and replied, "I love you too, El. So much, its scares me."

That was all the explanation he needed then. It explained Gitano, computer crimes, everything. He leaned down and kissed her again. While he was battling her for dominance, he reached down and grabbed her under her thighs and brought her legs around him, and he carried her to the bedroom. As he laid her down onto his bed, he couldn't believe how lucky he was. The woman he had loved for years, was under him, and loving him. He slowly teased the edge of her shirt, silently asking permission. When she arched her back in clear permission to remove it, he tugged it over her. Wasting no time, he had her bra off within seconds. Gazing down at her with all the love and desire he had, he saw her smile back. Taking this as acceptance, he slowly leaned down, taking her breast into his mouth.

He took his time tasting her, relishing the taste of her after being denied for so long. While he was worshipping her body, he felt her hands come up and divest him of his shirt. When both their torsos were naked, she took advantage of the situation and began running her hands up his arms, abdomen and chest, relishing in the contact between them. Needing to take this further, he reached down and toyed with the button of her dress slacks. When she offered no resistance, he wasted no time in relieving her of not only her pants, but her panties as well, leaving her naked below him.

She was not one to be left behind, because sure enough, she was deftly unbuttoning his jeans, and rendering him completely naked as well. They were both completely exposed to one another, and as he looked into her eyes, he realized that though there should be discomfort, there wasn't. There was nothing but complete love and acceptance between them, for what they felt, and what they were doing. He tried to move his mouth down past her naval, but she caught on to what he was doing, and grabbed his ear, pulling him back up.

He thought he would collapse on top of her when she huskily whispered in his ear, "I need you inside me, now."

He reached a hand down to the juncture of her legs, testing, teasing her, making absolutely certain she was ready for him. When he got nothing but an affirmation, he pulled himself onto his elbows, eye level with her. He sought one last confirmation with her before he finally, slowly, buried himself within her. When he was sure he couldn't get any deeper, he stopped and looked once again into her eyes, and found himself overwhelmed again. "I love you, so much Liv," he whispered breathlessly.

He saw nothing but acceptance in her eyes when she huskily breathed back, "I love you too, El."

With that, he lost himself within her. At first, he tried to keep the tempo slow and even, but the more she gasped and moaned beneath him, the more he lost himself in her. He found himself picking up the tempo to the point where their moans turned into small cries. Cries for what, neither of them knew, but nothing could feel as good as they felt at that moment. He felt himself losing control, and he picked up the pace once again. When she responded in kind, he couldn't help himself, "God, Liv, I'm so close."

She moaned loudly in his ear in response, and breathed, "Me too, El, God, me too…"

It wasn't long before he could feel her start to let go, and if this was heaven, then he prayed never leaves, because nothing on this Earth should feel as perfect as this woman shattering around him. As soon as this thought passed through his muddled brain, he found himself following her into the most mind blowing climax he has ever experienced.

After breathing for a few minutes, trying to compose himself, he realizes it. This woman underneath him has ruined him for all other women. She is it for him. As much as this thought should terrify him, it has the complete opposite effect, and he can't help but capture her panting lips with his and letting them express the complete and utter devotion to this woman he has recently discovered.

They still need to talk, he realizes. That was what he intended to do when he brought her to his apartment, not that he minds the distraction. Slowly, he rolls to the side, and she instantly curls into him, laying her head over his heart. Smiling, he leans down and kisses her temple, "We will talk, I promise. Right now, I just want to hold you for a while."

He can feel her smile in response against his chest as she replies, "Whatever, I don't plan on going anywhere."

He can't fight the smile these words bring to his face, and knowing that any further talking would bring about a conversation that would last way longer than he was willing to have right now, he just tightened his arms around her, and let himself doze off.

* * *

><p>AN- :::Peeks out from between fingers::: I swear, I have NO idea where that came from! When I started writing this, I had no intention of writing an M scene... I have never even written anything like that before, this whole thing just got away from me. I've been terrified to post this chapter! Literally, I've been working up the nerve to post this all afternoon, so PLEASE let me know what you think. Especially since the next chapter may or may not have more, and I need to know if it may or may not need to be removed, ;)

No song on this one, though, if you note the chapter title, this was inspired by the song Fearless by Cyndi Lauper. It should also be noted that whenever I'm writing this, I have the Sucker Punch soundtrack playing, so that could be considered part of the inspiration...


	7. Secrets

Disclaimer: Don't own the show, don't own the characters, don't own the songs

_Chapter 7_

About an hour later, Elliot was startled awake by the ringing of his cell phone. Blindly reaching over to answer it, trying not to disturb Olivia, who was still curled against him, he answered, "Stabler."

"Where the hell are you, Detective?" Was the greeting he received from his obviously irate Captain.

"Sorry, Cap." Elliot began, "I got word that Olivia was back in town. I went to go meet her, give her a ride back to her place." He didn't think this would work, seeing as he had been gone from the precinct for over three hours, and the tone in Cragen's voice confirmed it.

"It does not take over three hours to pick Olivia up and drive her to her apartment, Elliot." OK, Cragen is obviously not pleased. Trying to think of what to say in response to that (because he _really_ can't explain to his Captain what has actually been going on for the last three hours), he is saved when Olivia reaches up and grabs the phone.

"Sorry, Captain, it's my fault. Apparently when the FBI decides to throw you undercover with no warning they forget that you have perishable food in your apartment. I think there's a completely new species of mold growing in a Chinese container in my fridge. Elliot was helping me sanitize everything so I can go food shopping.'

The surrealness of the situation is not lost on him as he watches his partner, his _naked_ partner, lying in bed with him, having a conversation with their boss. He can't contain the chuckle that escapes as he takes the scene in, and apparently his mirth is not shared as she glares up at him. She finishes the conversation, promising to pass along a message to him, and hands him the phone.

"And what, may I ask, is so damn funny?" She demands with a raised eyebrow.

"You and me, lying naked in my bed, in the middle of the day, while you're on the phone lying to our boss. Come on, you can't tell me you don't find that just a little bit funny." He can see the amusement dawn on her, and her lips quirk up in a smile. He leans down and places a kiss on her forehead, just because he can, and he gets an up close look at the ugly wound marring her skin. He fingers it gently as he asks, "What happened?"

She frowns a bit, obviously this isn't where she wanted the conversation to go. "It's nothing."

"It's obviously not nothing," he objects. "Did your cover get blown?"

"No, my cover stayed intact," she sighed, realizing he wasn't going to drop it. Deciding to get it over with, she resolved herself to the anger that was sure to follow. "We were protesting at a logging operation. The loggers called the cops to break it up. When we wouldn't leave, the cops moved in on us. One of them was beating the crap out of T-Bone," and she had to laugh at the look that came over his face. Obviously, T-Bone was not high on his list of favorite names. She had to admit herself, it was ridiculous. "Anyway, I stepped in to try to help, and got clubbed in the head. Next thing I know, I'm waking up cuffed to the bed in the hospital's prison ward."

She could see the rage take over his face, as he tightened his grip on her. He leaned down and placed a feather light kiss over the cut on her head again. He simply held her for a few minutes, trying to get himself under control. Finally, something occurred to him, "What did the Captain say?"

She chuckled at the random change in conversation, "He said to take the rest of the day to help me get settled back in." She grinned at him and placed a kiss over his heart, and continued. "But he wants your ass back first thing tomorrow morning, and he wants me in tomorrow as well."

He looks at her incredulously, "I ran out of the station at ten in the morning, giving no explanation, and he's giving me the rest of the day off? How the hell does that work? Not that I'm complaining, mind you."

In response she smiles sweetly at him, "I guess he just likes me better than you. Maybe he figures the faster I get settled back in, the faster I get back to work?"

"You always were dad's favorite," he grinned. "But that's OK, you've always been my favorite too."

She smiled at him again, though the brief levity disappeared. "Elliot, it probably can go without saying after everything that's been said and done today, but I need to say it, just so we're clear. I love you, Elliot." She reached up and placed her finger over his lips, to silence any response. "Let me finish. I love you, and I am in this, completely. No more running, no more reassignment or surprise undercover jobs. You're it for me, El. I've known that for a while now, and I knew that as soon as I had you, I would never let you go. The thought of that scared the hell out of me for a while now. But while I was in Oregon, all I could think about was getting back to you, and telling you how I feel, because this life we lead is riddled with landmines. I couldn't stand the thought that something could happen to you or to me, and you wouldn't know how much I love you. I'm not telling you this to get some crazy declaration of commitment from you, but because I need to be honest with you. Things went unsaid between us for too long, and it nearly destroyed us." By the time she finished, she had tears in her eyes.

Elliot reached up and thumbed away the lone tear that escaped, and she could hear the emotion in his voice when he responded to her passionate declaration. "Liv, you have no idea how long I've wanted to hear you say that. You say I'm it for you? Well, you are it for me, too. I could never love, want or need another woman anywhere near as much as I do you. I signed my divorce papers after I got that second letter, Liv. While I couldn't be sure that I was interpreting everything correctly, the thought that you loved me, God, I couldn't think of anything else. And I couldn't stay married to another woman when you were on my mind constantly. Then I got your last letter, and I could barely contain myself. Part of me wanted to look up all incoming flights from Oregon into the tri-state area and wait outside the gate of each and every one of them. Now that you're back, you're never leaving my side again." He leaned down and kissed the mark on her head a third time, gathering his control again. "Things like this happen when I'm not by your side, watching your back. You'd better get used to the fact that I'm not letting you out of my sight ever again, because I'm yours for as long as you'll have me."

Another tear escaped from her eye, and she smiled. "I don't see that happening for a very long time, so I guess we're just gonna have to get used to the fact that we're stuck with each other." With that, she silenced any further conversation by leaning up and kissing him deeply. His hands instantly came up and tangled in her hair, keeping her head in place, not that she was arguing. While she continued to kiss him senseless, she used his distraction to throw her leg across his him, perching herself across his stomach.

Eventually, she tore her lips from his, and began peppering small kisses across his jaw. Slowly, she began kissing, licking and biting her way down his neck, making her way down his body, being sure to taste every inch of skin she found. Finally, she reached her destination, gently reaching out and cupping him in her hands. As she bent to take him in her mouth, he stopped her with a hand on her shoulder, groaning out, "Liv, you don't have to do this."

She could see how difficult it was for him to say that, clearly he wanted her to keep going. In response she smiled up at him, "It's OK El. I want to."

With that, his hand fell from her shoulder, and joined his other hand, fisted in the bed sheets. Taking this as a signal to proceed, she lowered her mouth and slowly licked her way all the way up his impressive shaft. From there, she took as much of him into her mouth as she could, and proceed to lick and suck him to the point of insanity. When he saw her flick her beautiful brown eyes up to his to observe his reactions, the sight of her mouth around him caused him to nearly lose it. He reached down again, and pulled her face up to his, kissing her furiously. While he was kissing her desperately, he used her distraction to roll her underneath him. Turnabout is fair play, after all.

Tearing his mouth away from hers, he began tracing the same path along her body that she recently blazed her way across his. He stopped at one breast, and took its rosy peak into his mouth, while his hand treated her other breast to the same gentle ministrations. After taking his time to make sure equal amounts of attention were paid to each glorious mound, he began to nip and kiss his way down her taught stomach. When he reached the apex of her thighs, he reached down and rubbed the sensitive mound he found there, taking in the sight of her face as she shuddered at just that slight contact. Needing more, he bent his head and licked her core from end to end, delighting in the startled cry she emitted. Gently inserting a finger into her, he began thrusting it into her in tandem with his mouth, which was lavishing attention on her sensitive nub. When her moans began to increase and she started writhing underneath him, he knew she was close, and inserted a second finger into her. It didn't take long before she was screaming his name as she came into his mouth, and the sight and sound of her took his breath away.

When her shaking subsided, he kissed his way back up her body, gently capturing her lips in a languid kiss. They kissed softly and gently for a few minutes while her body came down from the high brought on by a powerful orgasm. Eventually, she pulled back, and looked him in the eye. "If it wasn't official before, it is now. I'm never letting you get away from me, ever. Hell, you'll be lucky if I let you leave this bed, not if you keep doing things like that."

He chuckled in response, "We'll have to eat eventually, you know."

"That's what delivery is for. It minimizes the time spent out of bed."

Seeing no fault in her logic, he kissed her once again as he ran his hand down her body, getting a shudder in response. Needing no further encouragement, he pushed into her. He started out with long, measured strokes, but the more she gasped and moaned beneath him, the quicker he lost control. When she moaned out, "Jesus, El… faster… deeper," it was his undoing. Grabbing her leg beneath her knee, he brought it up and folded it so that it was parallel to her body. This allowed him to get even deeper inside her, and changed the angle of penetration. A few frenzied thrusts later, she was calling out his name again, and coming hard and fast around him. The feeling of her inner walls clenching him tightly was enough to send him over the edge, and he called out her name like a prayer, burying his face into her neck.

It took a while before he was able to collect himself enough to realize that he was probably crushing her, though from the way she was still trying to catch her breath, he figured she probably hadn't figured it out yet either. Gathering up his energy, he rolled to the side, reaching out and gathering her into his embrace. As she snuggled in, she breathed out a sleepy, "I love you."

Smiling, he was barely able to get an "I love you, too" out in response, before sleep once again overwhelmed him.

* * *

><p>AN- And there's another one that just got completely out of control from me. Needless to say, I wasn't planning on writing ONE M scene, never mind TWO M scenes, the second even more graphic. All your wonderful reviews gave me the courage to post this one, so please let me know if the quality stayed the same.

And here's the good news/bad news... Good news, I've been having so much fun with this, that, though I said it would only be eight chapters, I find myself with the ideas for one or two more. So what say you, loyal readers? A couple more chapters than 8? I was thinking of venturing into Cage territory, as I have an idea for that one that wont leave me alone. And now to the bad news. I've been updating this daily, but I'm afraid that any new chapters are going to have to wait till like Monday or Tuesday. I'm driving up to New Jersey tomorrow and I'll be staying with my sister who doesn't have WiFi (boo!), so while I will have my laptop to get the writing done for those additional chapters, I wont be able to post them for a while. But even if I don't do any more than planned, there is still one more after this! Can't go through all this and not show Olivia's return to the precinct :)

Song for this chapter: Secrets by One Republic


	8. Insomniac

Disclaimer: Don't own the show, don't own the characters, don't own the songs

See the A/N at the bottom for authors groveling

_Chapter 8_

Surprisingly, they both slept through the night. They had both been plagued with insomnia since she left, and this was the first night they slept without interruptions or nightmares in two months. At one point, he vaguely remembers waking up and setting the alarm, before curling back into her. Sometime during the night, they shifted positions, so that he was spooning her to him, their hands woven together across her stomach. Neither one of them can remember how long it's been since they slept so peacefully, and when the alarm blares out the next morning, neither is willing to let it end.

In the end, sensibility wins out and they realize they got a free pass yesterday, and they need to get up now so that they don't face any trouble back at the station. They both shower separately since the temptation for what would happen should they shower together would be too great. Soon enough they're out the door. They have to stop at Olivia's apartment so that she can change into a fresh pair of clothes. While she's changing, a quick inspection of her fridge makes Elliot realize that her lie to the Captain the day before wasn't that big of a lie. There are fuzzy boxes in her fridge, and he was pretty sure that they weren't initially intended to be fuzzy.

"You might want to pack a bag for a couple of days, and leave it in the car," he calls out to her down the hall.

"Why?" She jokes from her room. "Are you kidnapping me?"

"As much as I'd like to, it turns out your lie yesterday wasn't really a lie," he laughs out. "Turns out we might have the call the CDC on your refrigerator. Seeing as how you used up that excuse yesterday, it seems you have no choice but to stay with me until we can find the free time to, ah, sanitize your apartment, as you put it."

He can hear her laughing down the hall as she quickly throws a few things together, and soon enough they're off to work. He can feel the excitement radiating off of her as they drive into the station. She hasn't seen the rest of her co workers for two months, and he briefly clued her in as to how much they missed her, and he guesses that she missed them just as much. The one major thing accomplished on the way in is that they decide to keep what's going on between them, exactly that, between them. It's not that they're embarrassed or ashamed of what they have, but they realize that what they have is too new and too fragile to withstand the substantial outside forces they know will come their way.

With that decided, they step off the elevator in the one six the same way they have for years prior, completely in step and in sync. Only this time, it doesn't go unnoticed as it usually does. Olivia has been gone for two months, and seeing her walk into the precinct with her partner like nothing ever changed is an attention grabber. Four people take notice more than others. Fin and Munch immediately rush at her, pushing each other in order to get to her first. In the end, it's Fin and his bulky frame that wins out. He grabs her in a hug, and holds her for a minute, while checking Elliot's reaction to the embrace. Seeing no jealousy and nothing but acceptance he realizes just how far the scales have tipped in their relationship and smiles at the both of them. Refocusing on her, he holds her at arms length. "Welcome back, baby girl!"

Olivia gazes back at the man who she is just starting to realize has become one of her closest friends, and smiles back fondly. "It's great to be back, Fin. It's nice to see you all managed to not kill each other without me," she jokes.

Fin smiles back, "Yeah, well, Elliot's had a lot on his mind the last couple of months. It took all we had to get his head out of the clouds long enough to focus on what was going on down here. Never mind getting him in on our usual casual disagreements."

"Casual disagreements?" Munch objects, while grabbing Olivia away from his partner and giving her a hug. "It's not a casual disagreement when you constantly call me paranoid and delusional every day."

Olivia laughs as she pulls away from Munch. "It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you."

Hearing this, Munch grins widely. "This is why I missed you, Benson. You are fully aware of Big Brother's march against our personal rights. Stay strong, sister."

Olivia couldn't help it anymore as she burst out laughing as she took in the rest of the squad room. She saw Cragen overlooking her from the door to his office, as well as a woman with curly blonde hair glaring at her from her former desk. Realizing that this is Dani Beck, the woman who was brought in to replace her, and most likely hated her, she strode towards her, recognizing her as her biggest hurdle. As she extended her hand, she spoke in a warm voice, "You must be Detective Beck. I've heard a lot about you. I'm Olivia Benson."

The woman held her hand out to her, "Dani Beck. I've heard a lot about you as well." The sarcasm in that statement was far from unnoticed. It was clear to all within hearing range that Dani was not happy about the constant reminders of Olivia's presence. Thankfully, Olivia was spared any future awkwardness when Cragen called her into his office.

"I should probably ask what your intentions are, Detective." Cragen asked rhetorically.

"I want back in," Olivia resolutely responds. "This is my home, and this is where I belong, FBI be damned."

"Good, I feel the same way," Cragen responds. "Unfortunately, it may take me a couple weeks to find a new home for Detective Beck. I can take you back on a desk duty only assignment until I can restore order around here. Are you going to be OK with that?"

The Olivia Benson from the day before would have quailed before her Captain and possibly said no to the offer before her. This Olivia Benson knows better, and knows that Elliot loves her, and feels no threat from Dani Beck. "No, that's fine. I appreciate your efforts to get me back on the squad."

"This is your home, Olivia. We all know you had no choice in leaving. I'm not about to punish you for that." When Cragen said this, Elliot's comment about her being dad's favorite didn't seem so far off the mark.

They walked out into the bullpen, and all activity ceased. Fin was the one who broke the silence, "So when you coming back to us?"

She smiled at the honest anticipation she heard in his voice, "Soon enough. You'll feel like I never left."

It was Munch who spoke up next, "Well, how do we know you haven't gotten rusty in your absence?"

"Who says I let myself get rusty?" Olivia objected.

"Please, you were out chasing tree huggers, while we were out chasing rapists. Rusty much?" She knew Fin was joking, but she also saw the hidden challenge.

In response, she walked over to the main computer screen in the squad. She brought up the news coverage of the bust of the pedophile in Oregon. After it played out, she paused it, so that Dean Porter was front and center on the screen. "That is Dean Porter." She stated, somewhat angrily. "He was my handler for my op while I was in Oregon. When I became a suspect in the murder of Carl Dunford I became involved."

"Wait, you were the suspect in a murder? How far did you fall into the dark side, Benson?" Munch questioned.

"I never fell into the dark side," Olivia responded with a laugh. "They were after my group for a while, and when Dunford turned up murdered, the sheriff just happened to catch me as I bailed myself out to pull me back in to question me for it. I personally think the man had it in for me, which is why he singled me out."

It was Beck who was the first to call out, somewhat snidely. "Bail yourself out? What the hell else did you do while you were off the grid?"

Stopping briefly to shoot a glare at the woman she had never met, yet instantly hated, Olivia continued. "I had been arrested for assaulting a police officer." She paused here and pointed to her discolored forehead, "I was unarmed, and protecting another unarmed civilian. I got the shit beat out of me by a cop with a grudge. You try waking up cuffed to a hospital bed, and see how you like it!"

She could see all the men around her tense in rage upon hearing exactly how she received her injuries, Elliot included. For him, it served as a constant reminder as to how he failed to protect her. Munch, Fin and Cragen were all thinking relatively the same thing, but also anger in general at any cop who could beat an unarmed woman, and then lie that she was the one who hurt him. Detective Beck looked at her in near disbelief. From what everyone had told her about Olivia, she seemed to be some all sacrificing martyr. She never believed it to be true, thinking no one could be so selfless, and yet, as she stares at the woman she has long considered to be her nemesis, she realized that she was wrong. Olivia Benson really was the entire package that she was made out to be, and that thought finally cemented it to her. As soon as another place was found for her, she was going to be shipped out, and there was nothing she could do about it.

"So wait," Munch began. "You wake up cuffed to a bed, dragged into a police station to face charges of assaulting a police officer, then after you bail yourself out, you find yourself being questioned as a murder suspect. How the hell does that happen?"

"Well, apparently it wasn't only the FBI that had their eye on this group. When Dunford washed up, minus his, um, unit, they decided that the group I was with was the logical choice in a suspect."

Fin couldn't help himself, "How the hell do these cops go from a guy getting his junk chopped off to tree huggers?"

Olivia couldn't contain her chuckles. "Apparently since my group protested Dunford's company, and their dumping of chemicals, we made logical suspects." Upon seeing their bewildered looks, she continued, "They were dumping chemicals in rivers that were causing male fish to change gender. That's one of the main causes we were protesting."

Elliot couldn't help it, he burst out laughing. Seeing her glare, he explained himself. "Doesn't it seem funny that you, Olivia Benson, defender of transgender humans, suddenly find yourself a defender of transgender fish?"

Despite herself, Olivia can't keep herself from laughing. "I am apparently destined to never leave Special Victims behind."

"So, since we're not trying to get you out of a prison in Oregon, I assume everything worked out?" Munch questioned.

"Yeah, no one in my group was responsible, obviously." Everyone could detect a bit of sarcasm in that statement. "As soon as I saw the pictures, I tried to hint to the locals that it was a sex crime, but no one would listen to the crazy tree hugger-"

Olivia was interrupted by Munch's snort. "Now you really know how I feel." He was silenced by Olivia's glare.

"Anyway, no one took me seriously so I set out to investigate on my own. I found out from his ex wife that he was a pedophile, with a penchant for teenage girls. I found a cell hidden in his house, where it appeared he had kept a girl stashed for a long period of time, and there was a large pool of blood. I called the sheriff in, and he got pissed at me again, saying he had no idea what to charge me with anymore. The next day, there's my handler on national television taking credit for my work. He was pissed at me as well, it seems, since the sheriff made me for a cop. I really didn't give a damn anymore, all I wanted to do was get out of there." She paused for a second, looking down, slightly guilty. "By that point, Porter probably had already received Huang's note, but he didn't tell me about it. I wanted to find the missing girl, and he wanted my help, it seemed. We found her the next day, and it took me all night with her in an interview room to get the story out of her. She killed him because he wanted her to go out and find him another girl."

Olivia took a deep breath to center herself. "Only after I gave him what he wanted did he conveniently remember to give me Huang's note. I swear, I would have been on the first plane home had I known you guys needed me."

Cragen looked particularly mad when he found out how Olivia had been used by her so called handler, who wasn't doing that great a job considering the woman he was supposed to be watching got beaten by cops and arrested without him seeming to give a damn. However, his feelings towards this Porter aside, he quickly sought to reassure his obviously distressed detective. "We all know that, Olivia. We were just starting to get worried because you obviously hadn't gotten the message, and we didn't know why."

Olivia nodded, grateful for the support, but needing a change of subject. "So, since I'm on desk duty for the foreseeable future, where would you like me to set up?"

When she said this, everyone, minus Olivia, all glanced not so discreetly at Dani, obviously expecting her to give Olivia back her desk. But Dani decided to dig in her heels a bit, she wasn't gone yet, and she damn well was going to make that fact known, so she stayed resolutely silent. When it became obvious that she wasn't going to volunteer, thus making his life easy, Cragen sighed. "The desk to the left of Elliot is open, feel free to use that for now."

Olivia smiled to cover her disappointment over not getting to look up to see Elliot's caring blue eyes looking back at her whenever she wanted, and moved to start organizing her new (_temporary_, she insisted) desk.

Many hours of tedious paperwork and computer searches later, Elliot was finally at a good place to stop in his casework. He saw her look up hopefully when he stood, and saw her smile gratefully when he began gathering his things, preparing to leave. "You want a ride, Liv?" He questioned for the sake of appearances, seeing as how she had packed to stay at his place for a few days. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Dani glance up suspiciously, but she was the only one to take any notice of it. He refused to acknowledge her, still annoyed by her stubborn refusal to give up her desk to Olivia.

"Please, if I have to fill out one more DD5, I think I might go cross eyed." Olivia was nearly finished cleaning her work space when Elliot came up behind her, and offered her her coat. As she walked out, Olivia realized that as eager as she was that morning to return to work, she was even more eager to leave right then, looking forward to spending another night with Elliot.

The ride to his place was spent in comfortable silence. Both were still exhausted from their two months of insomnia due to her disappearance, and though it was an easy day, they were both looking forward to crawling into bed together. After a simple meal of pasta and a salad, that is precisely what they did. Climbing wearily into bed, Elliot leaned over and gave Olivia a sweet, sleepy kiss before murmuring, "Good night, Liv. I love you."

"Love you too, El." Olivia blearily responded. "Good night." With that, they were both soon peacefully asleep, completely wrapped around each other.

* * *

><p>AN- I am SOOO sorry about how long it took me to get this posted! It turns out that I couldn't stay where I was planning on staying after I left my sisters, and the place I wound up at also didn't have WiFi! I finally got internet access tonight, and I got it posted as soon as I could. This story never was, and never will be abandoned, as that is one of my all time biggest pet peeves! There are about one or two more chapters in the works, because in order to keep my mind occupied during a nine hour drive, I started dreaming up ideas on how to end this thing. Included is another M scene, which, if I can manage to translate it from my head to the computer, I think its gonna be awesome. So please stick with me, cause it might be a little while again until I can post, but like I said, it WILL get finished! And please, let me know what you think of this chapter :)

Song for this chapter: Insomniac by Billy Pilgrim. It's not a very well known song, but its AMAZING, so for those of you who like to keep track of the songs for this story, heres a video on YouTube of it being sung by the original singer, who is now in Sugarland... hope you give it a listen :)

youtube(dot)com /watch?v=U8Vu2bjjQkU


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